Harrell Therapy blog — Harrell Therapy, PLLC

Couples frequently come to our offices and state they have 'communication issues'; What does this mean is communication really so important for couples?

The answer is yes and no. In reality, ‘communication issues’ are not necessarily the problem and simply learning to communicate better may not create a lasting or satisfying relationship; however, communication is important because it is a tool for knowing or emotionally connecting with one another and the how of communicating can tell us a lot about the nature of a relationship.

More specifically, the basic patterns of communication can be called the 'bid'; and the "response.’

A 'bid'; is an initiation of interaction, or the way a person says "I want to feel connected to you.” This can be done verbally (e.g., “Work was very stressful today.”) or nonverbally (e.g., through touch, facial expression, or a sound). A 'response'; is how the other person handles the bid. A person who resounds with acknowledgment and empathy (“I’m sorry you have had a tough day, I can imagine how tired you feel.” is considered to be 'turning towards'; A person who responds by ignoring (no response) is considered to be 'turning away'; and a person who has a negative response (“Why are you always complaining about work?”) is considered to be ‘turning against.’

These units are so important that researches can predict relationship outcomes by observing the bid-response patterns in couple's interactions (Driver and Gottman, 2004). Couple’s whose responses are dominated by turning away or turning against are more likely to split up.

Tips for better Communication:

Be soft: use humor, playfulness, and a ‘soft start up’. A good way to do this is to stick with "I messages.” "I messages” can express emotions in a way that is not threatening to the partner. Whereas “You” messages trigger defensiveness or hostility because they tend to place blame or judgment on the other, “I messages” focus on the speaker's feelings without assigning fault. “I” messages have three parts:

1. a statement about the speaker's feelings (“I felt hurt.”)
2. a statement about the behavior that caused the feeling (“I noticed that you did not respond when I told you about my day.”)
3. the reason for the speaker's feelings (“I was hoping for a hug or some words of encouragement.”)

Be clear: if you need a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear, be clear about the underlying bid for connection from the beginning.

Be open: share the positives as well as the problems and vulnerabilities. This will help you know one another more deeply.

Be active: good communication requires active listening. Ironically, when you feel you are not being heard, it is often a sign that it is time to stop and listen. Active listening means you put aside your own perspective and really focus on what your partner is saying, without making assumptions or interpretations about the other person’s motives (No mind reading!). Try to listen for underlying feelings and needs. You may be surprised that by opening up space for your partner to talk, and acknowledging their perspective, they are more likely to take a deep breath and listen to you!

Be willing to repair: all couples disagree and most marital arguments can not be resolved, a repair attempt is anything said or done which keeps arguments from escalating. Couples with successful repair attempts, even if they frequently disagree, and no less satisfied than those who do not argue at all.

Try some of these tips at home, if you and your partner are finding it difficult to get through conversations or successfully resolve conflicts, below are some helpful resources:

“Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.” Gottman, J, Gottman, J. and DeClaire, J. 2007. Random House.

“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert.” Gottman, J.; Sliver, S. 2000. Random House/Three Rivers.

“The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.” Chapman, G. 2009. Northfield Publishing.

Have you ever felt like you and your partner have fallen into a rut?

You spend a lot of time together, you physically share the same space, you even sit on the same sofa, but you are not really interacting. When you share space, but are not focusing positive or even neutral attention on each other, this is called being passively together and represents missed opportunities to nurture the relationship. Further, if you spend the time you do have together focusing on negative aspects of each other, worrying about negative reactions from each other, or privately judging or criticizing each other, it can run the risk of hurting the relationship.

On the other hand, being actively together means occupying the same emotional space, letting go of judgments and criticisms (at least for the time being), and allowing yourself to enjoy your partner’s company. Follow these steps to be more actively together and get out of a rut.

1. Spend 15-20 minutes a day with Each Other. It does not take much time, but if we are mindfully tuning into each other, even 15-20 minutes can make a big difference in the health of your relationship. This does not even have to be all at once- a hug in the morning- a conversation in the afternoon; asking about each other at the end of the day. The key is to turn towards your partner when he/she makes a bid for connection. This can be as simple as, “It looks like it is going to be a pretty day.” Response, “Yes, it does.”

2. Be Mindful of Positives. In relationships, especially ones that have fallen into a rut, it is easy to get caught up in focusing on the negatives, on the things that are not happening or on the things that drive you crazy about your partner. Take a few minutes each day to focus on the things that you like/appreciate about your partner. What did you fall in love with? What can make you smile? What nice thing does he/she do for you? For the family? Having a more positive outlook on your partner will allow you to enter into situations, even ones in which you might disagree, with less negative emotional reactivity and a better chance of creating a connection.

3. Let go of Judgments. Judgments tend to identify things, people or actions as right or wrong and judgments tend to fire up emotions (we don’t like and tend to get upset about things we think are wrong!). Instead, focus on what your partner IS doing and not what they are not doing or what you would prefer them to be doing. In other words, just focus on what is observable and then describe it. Try to let go of interpretations of what you see and put words on the experience to describe it. For example, notice your partner’s presence in the room and describe what you observe without analysis. “I notice he is sitting on the couch.” Instead of “he is lazy.” “I notice she is reading a book.” Instead of “She is ignoring me.” Emotion may flow from describing, but this will be more authentic than the emotion which arises from judgments.

4. Stay Focused. Keep your attention in the present moment. Let go of distractions. When you notice your mind wandering to the past or to the future, pull it back to the task at hand or to noticing your partner.

5. Increase Social and Family Time with Others: Keeping your independence and individual identify is important, but it is also important to identify yourselves as a couple, to do things as a couple and that those with whom you are spending time see you as a couple. At these times, be mindful of entering the world as a unit, rather than two separate individuals.

6. Start a List. Finally have time for a date night but can’t think of what to do? It can be handy to have a list of things both you and your partner enjoy doing or have been wanting to do, both individually and as a couple, from which to pull. Instead of resenting doing something from your partner’s list, think of it as an opportunity to get to know your partner better, to learn more about his/her interests. Next time, you can try something from your list. Keep the list low cost and easily attainable as opposed to planning big trips or extravagant outings. The point is to have ideas you can do regularly, at least weekly, that do not strain your budget.

If creating a closer connection is proving difficult, some suggested readings are John Gottman: The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work; Allen Fruzzett’s The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation or speak with a mental health professional.