Have you ever felt like you and your partner have fallen into a rut?
You spend a lot of time together, you physically share the same space, you even sit on the same sofa, but you are not really interacting. When you share space, but are not focusing positive or even neutral attention on each other, this is called being passively together and represents missed opportunities to nurture the relationship. Further, if you spend the time you do have together focusing on negative aspects of each other, worrying about negative reactions from each other, or privately judging or criticizing each other, it can run the risk of hurting the relationship.
On the other hand, being actively together means occupying the same emotional space, letting go of judgments and criticisms (at least for the time being), and allowing yourself to enjoy your partner’s company. Follow these steps to be more actively together and get out of a rut.
1. Spend 15-20 minutes a day with Each Other. It does not take much time, but if we are mindfully tuning into each other, even 15-20 minutes can make a big difference in the health of your relationship. This does not even have to be all at once- a hug in the morning- a conversation in the afternoon; asking about each other at the end of the day. The key is to turn towards your partner when he/she makes a bid for connection. This can be as simple as, “It looks like it is going to be a pretty day.” Response, “Yes, it does.”
2. Be Mindful of Positives. In relationships, especially ones that have fallen into a rut, it is easy to get caught up in focusing on the negatives, on the things that are not happening or on the things that drive you crazy about your partner. Take a few minutes each day to focus on the things that you like/appreciate about your partner. What did you fall in love with? What can make you smile? What nice thing does he/she do for you? For the family? Having a more positive outlook on your partner will allow you to enter into situations, even ones in which you might disagree, with less negative emotional reactivity and a better chance of creating a connection.
3. Let go of Judgments. Judgments tend to identify things, people or actions as right or wrong and judgments tend to fire up emotions (we don’t like and tend to get upset about things we think are wrong!). Instead, focus on what your partner IS doing and not what they are not doing or what you would prefer them to be doing. In other words, just focus on what is observable and then describe it. Try to let go of interpretations of what you see and put words on the experience to describe it. For example, notice your partner’s presence in the room and describe what you observe without analysis. “I notice he is sitting on the couch.” Instead of “he is lazy.” “I notice she is reading a book.” Instead of “She is ignoring me.” Emotion may flow from describing, but this will be more authentic than the emotion which arises from judgments.
4. Stay Focused. Keep your attention in the present moment. Let go of distractions. When you notice your mind wandering to the past or to the future, pull it back to the task at hand or to noticing your partner.
5. Increase Social and Family Time with Others: Keeping your independence and individual identify is important, but it is also important to identify yourselves as a couple, to do things as a couple and that those with whom you are spending time see you as a couple. At these times, be mindful of entering the world as a unit, rather than two separate individuals.
6. Start a List. Finally have time for a date night but can’t think of what to do? It can be handy to have a list of things both you and your partner enjoy doing or have been wanting to do, both individually and as a couple, from which to pull. Instead of resenting doing something from your partner’s list, think of it as an opportunity to get to know your partner better, to learn more about his/her interests. Next time, you can try something from your list. Keep the list low cost and easily attainable as opposed to planning big trips or extravagant outings. The point is to have ideas you can do regularly, at least weekly, that do not strain your budget.
If creating a closer connection is proving difficult, some suggested readings are John Gottman: The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work; Allen Fruzzett’s The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation or speak with a mental health professional.